Artisan Bread
Makes 4 1-pound loaf
Ingredients
3 cups lukewarm water (slightly warmer than body temp, if too hot you will kill yeast about 100 degrees)
1 ½ tbsp yeast (2 packets, do not get fast rise yeast, need regular yeast)
1 ½ tbsp coarse kosher or sea salt
6 cups unsifted, unbleached, all-purpose white flour
Equipment
Baking stone
Pan to put in oven to hold water while bread is cooking
Plate to put dough on while resting
Directions
1. Heat water to just a little warmer than body temperature
2. Add yeast and salt to the water in a large bowl. Don’t worry about getting it all to dissolve
3. Mix in the flour by gently scooping it up, then leveling the top of the measuring cup with a knife; don’t pat down. Mix with a wooden spoon until uniformly moist. If hand mixing becomes too difficult, use very wet hands to press it together. Don’t knead! This step is done in a matter of minutes and yields a wet dough loose enough to conform to the container.
4. cover loosely. Do not use screw-topped jars, which could explode. Allow the mixture to rise at room temperature until it begins to collapse or flatten on top, approximately two hours depending on temperature. Longer rising times, up to about five hours, will not harm the result. You can use a portion of the dough any time after this period. Refrigerated we dough is less sticky and easier to work with. I recommend refrigerating the dough at least three hours before shaping a loaf. This does not need to be monitored or anything, very easy dough that even if sits out longer does not matter.
ON BAKING DAY
Sprinkle plate liberally with flour to make easy sliding onto stone in oven.
Sprinkle some flour on dough in bowl. Pull about a grapefruit size ball of dough off from rest of dough. Use as much flour as you need to keep from sticking to fingers. Gently stretch surgace of dough around to the bottom on four “sides” rotating the ball quarter turn as you go. Loose flour does not need to be incorporated so if it falls off then don’t worry about it. Place on a plate and let rest for 40 minutes.
20 minutes before baking preheat oven to 450-475 depending on oven place baking stone in oven and empty pan to hold water on shelf under stone while preheating
Make a little slash on top of dough with serrated knife.
After preheated place dough on stone, helps to hold plate up to stone and slide off plate onto stone. After putting dough on stone, place about 1 cup of water in pan and close oven to trap the steam in from water. Bake 30-40 minutes or until nice golden brown coloring.
Refrigerate remaining dough fridge cover with foil. Will last up to two weeks in fridge
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
The Story of Princess Ana
The Story of Princess Ana
Once upon a time in a land far away their lived a king and queen who dreamed of having a daughter to call their own. One day the queen discovered that she was with child and the kingdom rejoiced. Months passed and the queen gave birth to a beautiful baby girl who they called Princess Ana. The princess had beautiful strawberry blonde hair with rosy cheeks and brilliant red lips.
The king and queen were pleased to have the baby girl they always dreamed of. But Princess Ana was so radiant that the world was unable to hold her beauty and she became very ill.
In an effort to save the princess, God decided to bring Ana to heaven and make her an angel for all eternity. The king and queen were sad to say goodbye to their sweet princess.
But God assured them that someday they would all be reunited again. So the king and queen said goodbye to their daughter and decided to hide a stone deep in the woods to honor Princess Ana’s time on earth. The king and queen spent their remaining years remembering their beautiful princess and the day finally came when they all were reunited in God’s kingdom. And they all lived happily ever after.
The End
Once upon a time in a land far away their lived a king and queen who dreamed of having a daughter to call their own. One day the queen discovered that she was with child and the kingdom rejoiced. Months passed and the queen gave birth to a beautiful baby girl who they called Princess Ana. The princess had beautiful strawberry blonde hair with rosy cheeks and brilliant red lips.
The king and queen were pleased to have the baby girl they always dreamed of. But Princess Ana was so radiant that the world was unable to hold her beauty and she became very ill.
In an effort to save the princess, God decided to bring Ana to heaven and make her an angel for all eternity. The king and queen were sad to say goodbye to their sweet princess.
But God assured them that someday they would all be reunited again. So the king and queen said goodbye to their daughter and decided to hide a stone deep in the woods to honor Princess Ana’s time on earth. The king and queen spent their remaining years remembering their beautiful princess and the day finally came when they all were reunited in God’s kingdom. And they all lived happily ever after.
The End
Gypsy Soup
Gypsy Soup
3 to 4 tablespoons oil
2 cloves garlic, minced
1/4 cup celery, chopped
3/4 cup green pepper, chopped
1 teaspoon turmeric
1 teaspoon salt
dash cayenne pepper
3 cups vegetable broth
1 tablespoos tamari (haven't been able to find tamari so left out and was still very good)
2 onions, chopped
2 cups peeled, chopped sweet potatoes
1 cup tomatoes, chopped (I used canned chopped tomatoes)
2 teaspoons paprika
1 teaspoon basil
dash cinnamon
1 bay leaf 1 can drained chick peas (didn't have on hand so used little bit of wheat Penne pasta, and was great)
Saute onion, garlic, celery, potatoes, pepper, and tomatoes in oil for 5 minutes. Add everything else except chick peas and tamari and simmer covered for 15 minutes. Add the rest of ingredients and simmer another 15 minutes until potatoes are tender.
I know this one can get expensive if you have to buy everything which defeats the purpose of a lenten meal but I keep most of this stuff on hand (seasonings and some of the veggies) those seasonings are good to keep around for future recipes (I used paprika and bay leaves all the time) so good idea to buy them to have on hand anyway.
3 to 4 tablespoons oil
2 cloves garlic, minced
1/4 cup celery, chopped
3/4 cup green pepper, chopped
1 teaspoon turmeric
1 teaspoon salt
dash cayenne pepper
3 cups vegetable broth
1 tablespoos tamari (haven't been able to find tamari so left out and was still very good)
2 onions, chopped
2 cups peeled, chopped sweet potatoes
1 cup tomatoes, chopped (I used canned chopped tomatoes)
2 teaspoons paprika
1 teaspoon basil
dash cinnamon
1 bay leaf 1 can drained chick peas (didn't have on hand so used little bit of wheat Penne pasta, and was great)
Saute onion, garlic, celery, potatoes, pepper, and tomatoes in oil for 5 minutes. Add everything else except chick peas and tamari and simmer covered for 15 minutes. Add the rest of ingredients and simmer another 15 minutes until potatoes are tender.
I know this one can get expensive if you have to buy everything which defeats the purpose of a lenten meal but I keep most of this stuff on hand (seasonings and some of the veggies) those seasonings are good to keep around for future recipes (I used paprika and bay leaves all the time) so good idea to buy them to have on hand anyway.
3 Bean Barbecue Chili
3 Bean Barbecue Chili
2 tablespoons oil
1 teaspoon chili powder
1 can (1 pound)black beans
1 can (1 pound) red kidney beans
1 can (1 pound) white kidney beans (I used Great Northern Beans and it was good)
1/4 cup barbecue sauce
1 can diced tomatoes with green chilis
1 can regular diced tomatoes
1 package (10 ounces) frozen mixed vegetables
1 chopped onion
I also added some of my other favorite seasoning little basil, and ofcourse salt
In large soup pot saute chopped onion in hot oil until soft. Stir in chili powder and cook 1 minute. Add tomatoes and heat to boiling. Reduce to low and simmer, uncovered, for 10 minutes. Drain the beans in a colander and stir into tomatoe mixture. Add frozen vegetables, barbecue sauce, and 1/2 cup water. Heat to boiling, reduce to low, simmer uncovered 10 minutes to blend flavors. Great served over rice.
2 tablespoons oil
1 teaspoon chili powder
1 can (1 pound)black beans
1 can (1 pound) red kidney beans
1 can (1 pound) white kidney beans (I used Great Northern Beans and it was good)
1/4 cup barbecue sauce
1 can diced tomatoes with green chilis
1 can regular diced tomatoes
1 package (10 ounces) frozen mixed vegetables
1 chopped onion
I also added some of my other favorite seasoning little basil, and ofcourse salt
In large soup pot saute chopped onion in hot oil until soft. Stir in chili powder and cook 1 minute. Add tomatoes and heat to boiling. Reduce to low and simmer, uncovered, for 10 minutes. Drain the beans in a colander and stir into tomatoe mixture. Add frozen vegetables, barbecue sauce, and 1/2 cup water. Heat to boiling, reduce to low, simmer uncovered 10 minutes to blend flavors. Great served over rice.
Zucchini Fritters
Zucchini Fritters
2 cups grated zucchini, uncooked
1 large grated onion
1/4 cup bread crumbs
pepper to taste
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 cup flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
Mix all ingredients together and drop by tablespoon into a wok (I just used regular skillet worked fine) with hot oil (I used safflower better for you but anything will work). Remove with slotted spoon and drain on paper towel. you want a good brown color like corn fritters.
2 cups grated zucchini, uncooked
1 large grated onion
1/4 cup bread crumbs
pepper to taste
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 cup flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
Mix all ingredients together and drop by tablespoon into a wok (I just used regular skillet worked fine) with hot oil (I used safflower better for you but anything will work). Remove with slotted spoon and drain on paper towel. you want a good brown color like corn fritters.
Monday, December 14, 2009
My Nightmare
Ok so a lot of people ask what happened so decided to write down the whole account and then I won't have to repeat it.
Sunday November 1st I started my homeopathic induction process, Black Cohosh and Blue Cohosh it was a 3 day process with the 3rd day adding Castor Oil (nastiest stuff out there) Tuesday I started having contractions close together but not really regular pattern and only about 30 sec long, so I knew it was not time to go to the midwife. In the middle of the night They were about 3 min apart and 60 sec long so we went to the midwife. She checked me and said I was only dilated to 1cm and was in early labor so I decided to go back home since I figured it would be a while and I am more comfortable in my own bed. I wasn't able to rest a whole lot and contractions kept up. I tried to walk around but there was a lot of pressure in my pelvis making it very painful to be in anyother position but laying down. Wednesday My mom was coming into town for 3 weeks. She got here that evening and by 800 pm the contractions were getting unbearable and I longed for the giant tub at the midwifes so at about 830 we decided to go to the midwifes and they had the tub already running for me when I got there. She checked me and I was only dilated to 2 cm. After almost 24 hrs! So I got into the tub and there I stayed for a LONG time. I did get quite hysterical for a while and was given some homeopathic calming tablets, which helped a lot. At some point early on after arriving my priest Father Marcus came to the birthing center to say prayers over me. I labored in the tub for hours, my body was convulsivly doing little spasmic pushes on it own, I being checked every 15 min for heart tones and then every so often for dilation and making VERY little progress. The pressure in my pelvis was extremely bad that moving to a different position was extremely painful. However Ana was not turned properly so the midwives wanted me to do these rotations with changing positions to try to get her turned right (she never would turn). I can't remember the time but sometime Thursday morning I was checked and was finly at around 8-9cm also in the process of the check they accidently broke my water and found meconium staining. So out of the tub I was ordered, to my dismay. In the bed I went. I did get on the birthing ball a couple times but the pressure was so horrible that I couldn't bear to be upright (note: this pressure usually indicates getting into transition so we all thought I was going into transition) I got in bed and my contractions actually slowed down and quit for a while and I was able to get some sleep, which after two days I was very tired. When they came in to check me after the last one that broke the water and showed 8-9cm they found I had regressed back to 6cm! and told us that we might want to start thinking about going up to the hospital but that she would let us labor there for 2 more hrs if we wanted to since the baby's heartbeat was fine. However, I was EXTREMELY tired and just couldn't do anymore. So Brent and I headed up with my mom following in the other car and the midwifes a few min. behind. I have to say through all this my husband and my mother were so wonderful, they took turns holding my hand for me to squeeze not to mention they both were having to take turns to step out of the room because of the long hrs and stress of worrying about me and listening to my screaming. so up we went. The pressure was so horrible I could barely walk myself into the hospital, nobody told us where to go once we got there so there we were with me in so much pain and noone to ask, but we finally figured it out. Got into the room and my gown on and into the bed. It was just Brent and I for a few minutes and we were excited to finally get this over with and meet our baby. The nurse comes in to do all the admitting on me. At this point the pressure becomes unbearable and I start begging for pain meds (I'm not having contractions at this point they had stopped) The nurse is trying to be quick because she can't give me meds until I get admitted. She brings in other nurses to speed up the process so there are several things going at once: I.V., blood pressure, and monitoring. They try putting the monitors on my stomach to get hearttones, but can't find any, no biggy my baby has always been a master hider during my pregnancy and even in labor it took midwives a few min to find heartbeat. I was also screaming in pain from the pressure (still no contractions) and moving around on the bed from the pain so they couldn't get the monitors on right so they decide to stick a nodule on her head inside me. alright we got a heartbeat, but it wasn't fluctuating like it should, it was staying the same. At this point things get blurry for me because I was in so much pain I couldn't even see straight. I remember hearing something about her heartrate dropping a little and to turn over on my knees because they thought she just didn't like the position. They also sometime around this point were starting to talk about a C Section and were trying to talk me into it, now I had said before I went up there I just wanted a C Section I was through with laboring and didn't want anymore, however I was in so much pain she had a hard time getting a response out of me.When I turn over (I believe) is when her heartrate started crashing and doctors and nurses appeared out of nowhere. They mentioned C Section and I have no clue what is going on but I do remember my mom blurting out "She already said she wanted a C Section so do it" My husband I think was in still some kind of shock his baby was crashing his wife was crying hysterically from pain and we were in the hospital which was the last place we wanted to be. Her heartrate drops further and I am unplugged from everything very quickly and they wheel me out, before I go I saw my husband say "I love you". I was in a room with so many people I had no idea who was who and they were all yelling at each other. They put the mask on and I was hyperventilating from the pain and having a hard time breathing in the Anesthesia. I do remember this guy (don't know his position) rubbing my leg gently and telling me it would be ok and was very nice and good at calming me down. Finally I am out.
I hear someone calling my name and telling me to open my eyes. They feel heavy and I am having hard time getting them open. I hear two ladies talking at the end of the bed and all I can make out is "it's a baby girl, very cute" and I swell with pride! I still was trying to figure out what happened and where I was and what was going on but I remember feeling that warm feeling wherever I was I had my girl that I wanted. Next Brent appears at the bedside and I don't remember much of what was said but that he confirmed we had a beautiful girl that looked just like me! Oh, how happy I was at that moment. Then my mom, she had tears in her eyes, she said she was beautiful and looked just like me but she was sick and they were going to take her to Greenville Memorial Hospital NICU. I don't remember the whole conversation because I was still trying to wake up but I do remember asking if she would be alright, and mom saying "probably" I was a little sad but not much because I still didn't know what was going on. Next Brent's family comes to my bedside and I don't remember those conversations except everyone saying how beautiful she was. Brent came with our priest to the bedside and they brought Ana out in her incubator. The priest says he is going to baptize now because they had to hurry and get her to Greenville. So there we were. Me and Brent with me holding her hand through the incubator and our priest baptizing her. I couldn't see her face because it was facing the priest but I remember seeing this giant black region on the back of her head and thinking it was her hair and thinking that weird since everyone said she had my blonde hair. Later I found it was a giant bruise from her pushing so hard on my pelvis (that horrible pressure) and couldn't get down there because the way she was turned. It should have registered then that she was very critical since our priest was baptizing her but I still wasn't fully out of anesthesia at that point and nobody told me how critical she was, probably for fear of how I would take it just out of surgery. So I really didn't think anything was wrong and never doubted she was coming home. So off they took her to Greenville without me even seeing her face. Our priest was so sweet and drove my mom there so Ana didn't go alone, my mom was with her the entire time.
They put me in a room and had several visitors. That evening Brent got a call from Greenville Memorial Hospital telling him that I should see about getting transferred there so I could be with her because she was very critical, and he came in the room to tell me. This was the first I heard that and was starting to realize things were not good. It took hours to get Regional to transfer me, in the mean time I told Brent to go to Greenville to be with her that she needed her daddy there and there was nothing he could at Regional. My sister- in-law stayed with me and rode in the ambulance with me to Greenville. Once I got there and checked in I was able to VERY slowly get out of bed into a wheelchair so I could go see her in the NICU finally I would get to see her face! I cried so hard when I saw her. They said they were keeping her on a cooling blanket to keep her temperature down to minimize brain damage and would do that for three days and then slowly warm her back up. So there she lay she couldn't having clothing on, or lotion put on because they didn't want her brain stimulated. I just wanted to swaddle her up and hold her close. Her organs had shut down so she wasn't eliminating fluid and they were pumping a lot of fluid in her, so she had swollen already when we got there. We stayed with her for a long time holding her hand and talking to her. However eventually I had to go because I did just get out of surgery and had a long labor and was VERY tired. The NICU had a shut down on visitors except parents because of the Swine Flu scare, however they were really nice and let our family in because she was so critical so that everyone could see her. Friday and Saturday were really the same. Getting visitors, going to spend time with Ana, that was what we were focused on. She really had no change, she never opened her eyes or responded. But that didn't stop us from talking with her, and singing her lullubies, or reading her books, and we always said morning and evening prayers with her. Friday the doctor sat down with us in the NICU and told us the truth, he didn't expect her to come out of this, she should have been showing some kind of response by now. I completely lost it and got pretty hysterical. There was no way I could let her go, I loved her so much, I had never felt love like that I knew I couldn't let go. Saturday when Brent put his finger in her palm and it moved ever so slightly, and they told us she started making some urine and was able to come down on her respirations. We had hope!! Saturday evening she stopped making urine and they were pumping her with more meds, and was now on 100% oxygen and more respirations, the Doc came by and told us the movement we felt was just a natural response from the brain stem and not her own doing. Our hopes were gone and despair consumed us. Sunday morning we had a visitor from church. She brought some blessed water and anointing oil for us and told us the Scripture verse for the church that day (already planned out a year in advance for the entire Orthodox church in the world).
Luk 8:49-54 While He was still speaking, someone came from the ruler of the synagogue's [house], saying to him, "Your daughter is dead. Do not trouble the Teacher." But when Jesus heard [it], He answered him, saying, "Do not be afraid; only believe, and she will be made well." When He came into the house, He permitted no one to go in [fn] except Peter, James, and John, [fn] and the father and mother of the girl. Now all wept and mourned for her; but He said, "Do not weep; she is not dead, but sleeping." And they ridiculed Him, knowing that she was dead. But He put them all outside, [fn] took her by the hand and called, saying, "Little girl, arise."
Certianly we saw that as a sign and we went to the NICU and Brent anointed her with oil and said "Little girl, arise". We sat there for a while and not long the doc appeared and told us she there was no hope for her and they were putting a lot of medicine in her and that we should think about letting her go peacefully instead of waiting for her to crash and it being a cruder harsh leaving. I thought I had just died, Brent touched me on the back and said let's let her go peacefully hon. I agreed, although I hated myself for doing it. I couldn't believe this was happening and went into shock. I sat there quietly weeping and holding her hand while the family came in to say goodbye to her. I couldn't see anyone or feel anything, all I could do was sit in that wheelchair holding her hand and stare at her. Our priest came to read the Psalms and say some prayers. They unplugged her from all the machines except the ventilator and let me hold her for the first time. She had swollen pretty bad, she went fron 7lbs 9oz to she had to weigh about 19lbs when I got to hold her. I held her for a long time with Brent sitting across from me and our priest standing behind me reading the Psalms. After a while I handed her over to Brent so he could hold his little girl for the first time. We sat there awhile and while her daddy held her they took her off the ventilator and she left us. They took us to a private room and told us we could have all the time we wanted with her. I was swelling at this point (we had been in NICU ALL day) I had been standing quite a bit and no water. So I let my mom give her a bath and dress her in the long dress that both me and my sister wore and some of my cousins. She was wrapped in the blankets my mom and I had made for her. My mom took her to bathe her and dress her and the NICU staff made 3d statues of her hand and foot. They brought her back and we let family come back to hold her. after they were done I let my mom have her for a long time this was her first grandchild and had been looking forward so much to rock her grandchild. After deciding to take my daughter off the ventilator, taking her away from my mom was one of the hardest things to do, I knew how much this meant to her. Finally I had to have her let go so Brent and I could have our time with her, as I was getting pretty weak from my surgery. It felt so good to hold her, I remember falling asleep in the chair with her. I started crying and remember telling Brent that I didn't think I could let her go, I wasn't supposed to have to do this! I kept kissing her cheeks over and over I never wanted to forget how her cheek felt under my lips. Finally it was time to say goodbye. I kissed her cheek and told her how much I loved her and we lafet her in the nurses arms and headed back to the room. The next day I was discharged and this started our new life without her, having to leave the hospital without her was so hard. I do need to say Anastasia means resurrection a name we had picked out for couple months, and she left us on resurrection day, with a scripture reading about resurrection of a little girl. Also the orthodox church believes the angels are the ones that come and carry us to heaven and that Sunday was the commemoration day of the angels. And although HE didn't raise her to us, HE raised her to Himself which is better then anything I could have given her in this life, and it was very shortly after anointing her and telling her to arise that she left us to rise to her LORD.
The rest everyone knows from there, of the funeral, and what we have been going through. It hurts so bad, I don't know how to go on without my daughter but somehow I do. The Lord is a Great comfort during this time and hopefully we will be stronger for it. but we will never forget our Ana nor could she be replaced.
2 weeks after I saw the surgeon that did the C Section. This is what he said: My placenta abruption was not like most placenta abruptions where they just happen randomly or because of a fall. My abruption was because I labored a long time and my body couldn't handle anymore , it was basically aborting the whole thing to be done with it, which could have killed me since she wasn't able to come out vaginally. Which was also why I had so much pain at the end I was having one last large continuous contraction. He didn't feel like it would be a problem in future pregnancies I just would not be allowed to labor they would take the baby early and always do a C Section. He told me I had a perfectly healthy baby and that me, Brent, or the midwives were not at fault and they have had women labor longer and be fine. My midwives were so wonderful during my pregnancy and could not thank them enough for everything. I also found out then that it took them 20 minutes to resucitate her after the C Section. I know this is long but it is a total recount of what I know, and wanted to put it all down not only for everyone to know what happen but for myself to remember years later.
Sunday November 1st I started my homeopathic induction process, Black Cohosh and Blue Cohosh it was a 3 day process with the 3rd day adding Castor Oil (nastiest stuff out there) Tuesday I started having contractions close together but not really regular pattern and only about 30 sec long, so I knew it was not time to go to the midwife. In the middle of the night They were about 3 min apart and 60 sec long so we went to the midwife. She checked me and said I was only dilated to 1cm and was in early labor so I decided to go back home since I figured it would be a while and I am more comfortable in my own bed. I wasn't able to rest a whole lot and contractions kept up. I tried to walk around but there was a lot of pressure in my pelvis making it very painful to be in anyother position but laying down. Wednesday My mom was coming into town for 3 weeks. She got here that evening and by 800 pm the contractions were getting unbearable and I longed for the giant tub at the midwifes so at about 830 we decided to go to the midwifes and they had the tub already running for me when I got there. She checked me and I was only dilated to 2 cm. After almost 24 hrs! So I got into the tub and there I stayed for a LONG time. I did get quite hysterical for a while and was given some homeopathic calming tablets, which helped a lot. At some point early on after arriving my priest Father Marcus came to the birthing center to say prayers over me. I labored in the tub for hours, my body was convulsivly doing little spasmic pushes on it own, I being checked every 15 min for heart tones and then every so often for dilation and making VERY little progress. The pressure in my pelvis was extremely bad that moving to a different position was extremely painful. However Ana was not turned properly so the midwives wanted me to do these rotations with changing positions to try to get her turned right (she never would turn). I can't remember the time but sometime Thursday morning I was checked and was finly at around 8-9cm also in the process of the check they accidently broke my water and found meconium staining. So out of the tub I was ordered, to my dismay. In the bed I went. I did get on the birthing ball a couple times but the pressure was so horrible that I couldn't bear to be upright (note: this pressure usually indicates getting into transition so we all thought I was going into transition) I got in bed and my contractions actually slowed down and quit for a while and I was able to get some sleep, which after two days I was very tired. When they came in to check me after the last one that broke the water and showed 8-9cm they found I had regressed back to 6cm! and told us that we might want to start thinking about going up to the hospital but that she would let us labor there for 2 more hrs if we wanted to since the baby's heartbeat was fine. However, I was EXTREMELY tired and just couldn't do anymore. So Brent and I headed up with my mom following in the other car and the midwifes a few min. behind. I have to say through all this my husband and my mother were so wonderful, they took turns holding my hand for me to squeeze not to mention they both were having to take turns to step out of the room because of the long hrs and stress of worrying about me and listening to my screaming. so up we went. The pressure was so horrible I could barely walk myself into the hospital, nobody told us where to go once we got there so there we were with me in so much pain and noone to ask, but we finally figured it out. Got into the room and my gown on and into the bed. It was just Brent and I for a few minutes and we were excited to finally get this over with and meet our baby. The nurse comes in to do all the admitting on me. At this point the pressure becomes unbearable and I start begging for pain meds (I'm not having contractions at this point they had stopped) The nurse is trying to be quick because she can't give me meds until I get admitted. She brings in other nurses to speed up the process so there are several things going at once: I.V., blood pressure, and monitoring. They try putting the monitors on my stomach to get hearttones, but can't find any, no biggy my baby has always been a master hider during my pregnancy and even in labor it took midwives a few min to find heartbeat. I was also screaming in pain from the pressure (still no contractions) and moving around on the bed from the pain so they couldn't get the monitors on right so they decide to stick a nodule on her head inside me. alright we got a heartbeat, but it wasn't fluctuating like it should, it was staying the same. At this point things get blurry for me because I was in so much pain I couldn't even see straight. I remember hearing something about her heartrate dropping a little and to turn over on my knees because they thought she just didn't like the position. They also sometime around this point were starting to talk about a C Section and were trying to talk me into it, now I had said before I went up there I just wanted a C Section I was through with laboring and didn't want anymore, however I was in so much pain she had a hard time getting a response out of me.When I turn over (I believe) is when her heartrate started crashing and doctors and nurses appeared out of nowhere. They mentioned C Section and I have no clue what is going on but I do remember my mom blurting out "She already said she wanted a C Section so do it" My husband I think was in still some kind of shock his baby was crashing his wife was crying hysterically from pain and we were in the hospital which was the last place we wanted to be. Her heartrate drops further and I am unplugged from everything very quickly and they wheel me out, before I go I saw my husband say "I love you". I was in a room with so many people I had no idea who was who and they were all yelling at each other. They put the mask on and I was hyperventilating from the pain and having a hard time breathing in the Anesthesia. I do remember this guy (don't know his position) rubbing my leg gently and telling me it would be ok and was very nice and good at calming me down. Finally I am out.
I hear someone calling my name and telling me to open my eyes. They feel heavy and I am having hard time getting them open. I hear two ladies talking at the end of the bed and all I can make out is "it's a baby girl, very cute" and I swell with pride! I still was trying to figure out what happened and where I was and what was going on but I remember feeling that warm feeling wherever I was I had my girl that I wanted. Next Brent appears at the bedside and I don't remember much of what was said but that he confirmed we had a beautiful girl that looked just like me! Oh, how happy I was at that moment. Then my mom, she had tears in her eyes, she said she was beautiful and looked just like me but she was sick and they were going to take her to Greenville Memorial Hospital NICU. I don't remember the whole conversation because I was still trying to wake up but I do remember asking if she would be alright, and mom saying "probably" I was a little sad but not much because I still didn't know what was going on. Next Brent's family comes to my bedside and I don't remember those conversations except everyone saying how beautiful she was. Brent came with our priest to the bedside and they brought Ana out in her incubator. The priest says he is going to baptize now because they had to hurry and get her to Greenville. So there we were. Me and Brent with me holding her hand through the incubator and our priest baptizing her. I couldn't see her face because it was facing the priest but I remember seeing this giant black region on the back of her head and thinking it was her hair and thinking that weird since everyone said she had my blonde hair. Later I found it was a giant bruise from her pushing so hard on my pelvis (that horrible pressure) and couldn't get down there because the way she was turned. It should have registered then that she was very critical since our priest was baptizing her but I still wasn't fully out of anesthesia at that point and nobody told me how critical she was, probably for fear of how I would take it just out of surgery. So I really didn't think anything was wrong and never doubted she was coming home. So off they took her to Greenville without me even seeing her face. Our priest was so sweet and drove my mom there so Ana didn't go alone, my mom was with her the entire time.
They put me in a room and had several visitors. That evening Brent got a call from Greenville Memorial Hospital telling him that I should see about getting transferred there so I could be with her because she was very critical, and he came in the room to tell me. This was the first I heard that and was starting to realize things were not good. It took hours to get Regional to transfer me, in the mean time I told Brent to go to Greenville to be with her that she needed her daddy there and there was nothing he could at Regional. My sister- in-law stayed with me and rode in the ambulance with me to Greenville. Once I got there and checked in I was able to VERY slowly get out of bed into a wheelchair so I could go see her in the NICU finally I would get to see her face! I cried so hard when I saw her. They said they were keeping her on a cooling blanket to keep her temperature down to minimize brain damage and would do that for three days and then slowly warm her back up. So there she lay she couldn't having clothing on, or lotion put on because they didn't want her brain stimulated. I just wanted to swaddle her up and hold her close. Her organs had shut down so she wasn't eliminating fluid and they were pumping a lot of fluid in her, so she had swollen already when we got there. We stayed with her for a long time holding her hand and talking to her. However eventually I had to go because I did just get out of surgery and had a long labor and was VERY tired. The NICU had a shut down on visitors except parents because of the Swine Flu scare, however they were really nice and let our family in because she was so critical so that everyone could see her. Friday and Saturday were really the same. Getting visitors, going to spend time with Ana, that was what we were focused on. She really had no change, she never opened her eyes or responded. But that didn't stop us from talking with her, and singing her lullubies, or reading her books, and we always said morning and evening prayers with her. Friday the doctor sat down with us in the NICU and told us the truth, he didn't expect her to come out of this, she should have been showing some kind of response by now. I completely lost it and got pretty hysterical. There was no way I could let her go, I loved her so much, I had never felt love like that I knew I couldn't let go. Saturday when Brent put his finger in her palm and it moved ever so slightly, and they told us she started making some urine and was able to come down on her respirations. We had hope!! Saturday evening she stopped making urine and they were pumping her with more meds, and was now on 100% oxygen and more respirations, the Doc came by and told us the movement we felt was just a natural response from the brain stem and not her own doing. Our hopes were gone and despair consumed us. Sunday morning we had a visitor from church. She brought some blessed water and anointing oil for us and told us the Scripture verse for the church that day (already planned out a year in advance for the entire Orthodox church in the world).
Luk 8:49-54 While He was still speaking, someone came from the ruler of the synagogue's [house], saying to him, "Your daughter is dead. Do not trouble the Teacher." But when Jesus heard [it], He answered him, saying, "Do not be afraid; only believe, and she will be made well." When He came into the house, He permitted no one to go in [fn] except Peter, James, and John, [fn] and the father and mother of the girl. Now all wept and mourned for her; but He said, "Do not weep; she is not dead, but sleeping." And they ridiculed Him, knowing that she was dead. But He put them all outside, [fn] took her by the hand and called, saying, "Little girl, arise."
Certianly we saw that as a sign and we went to the NICU and Brent anointed her with oil and said "Little girl, arise". We sat there for a while and not long the doc appeared and told us she there was no hope for her and they were putting a lot of medicine in her and that we should think about letting her go peacefully instead of waiting for her to crash and it being a cruder harsh leaving. I thought I had just died, Brent touched me on the back and said let's let her go peacefully hon. I agreed, although I hated myself for doing it. I couldn't believe this was happening and went into shock. I sat there quietly weeping and holding her hand while the family came in to say goodbye to her. I couldn't see anyone or feel anything, all I could do was sit in that wheelchair holding her hand and stare at her. Our priest came to read the Psalms and say some prayers. They unplugged her from all the machines except the ventilator and let me hold her for the first time. She had swollen pretty bad, she went fron 7lbs 9oz to she had to weigh about 19lbs when I got to hold her. I held her for a long time with Brent sitting across from me and our priest standing behind me reading the Psalms. After a while I handed her over to Brent so he could hold his little girl for the first time. We sat there awhile and while her daddy held her they took her off the ventilator and she left us. They took us to a private room and told us we could have all the time we wanted with her. I was swelling at this point (we had been in NICU ALL day) I had been standing quite a bit and no water. So I let my mom give her a bath and dress her in the long dress that both me and my sister wore and some of my cousins. She was wrapped in the blankets my mom and I had made for her. My mom took her to bathe her and dress her and the NICU staff made 3d statues of her hand and foot. They brought her back and we let family come back to hold her. after they were done I let my mom have her for a long time this was her first grandchild and had been looking forward so much to rock her grandchild. After deciding to take my daughter off the ventilator, taking her away from my mom was one of the hardest things to do, I knew how much this meant to her. Finally I had to have her let go so Brent and I could have our time with her, as I was getting pretty weak from my surgery. It felt so good to hold her, I remember falling asleep in the chair with her. I started crying and remember telling Brent that I didn't think I could let her go, I wasn't supposed to have to do this! I kept kissing her cheeks over and over I never wanted to forget how her cheek felt under my lips. Finally it was time to say goodbye. I kissed her cheek and told her how much I loved her and we lafet her in the nurses arms and headed back to the room. The next day I was discharged and this started our new life without her, having to leave the hospital without her was so hard. I do need to say Anastasia means resurrection a name we had picked out for couple months, and she left us on resurrection day, with a scripture reading about resurrection of a little girl. Also the orthodox church believes the angels are the ones that come and carry us to heaven and that Sunday was the commemoration day of the angels. And although HE didn't raise her to us, HE raised her to Himself which is better then anything I could have given her in this life, and it was very shortly after anointing her and telling her to arise that she left us to rise to her LORD.
The rest everyone knows from there, of the funeral, and what we have been going through. It hurts so bad, I don't know how to go on without my daughter but somehow I do. The Lord is a Great comfort during this time and hopefully we will be stronger for it. but we will never forget our Ana nor could she be replaced.
2 weeks after I saw the surgeon that did the C Section. This is what he said: My placenta abruption was not like most placenta abruptions where they just happen randomly or because of a fall. My abruption was because I labored a long time and my body couldn't handle anymore , it was basically aborting the whole thing to be done with it, which could have killed me since she wasn't able to come out vaginally. Which was also why I had so much pain at the end I was having one last large continuous contraction. He didn't feel like it would be a problem in future pregnancies I just would not be allowed to labor they would take the baby early and always do a C Section. He told me I had a perfectly healthy baby and that me, Brent, or the midwives were not at fault and they have had women labor longer and be fine. My midwives were so wonderful during my pregnancy and could not thank them enough for everything. I also found out then that it took them 20 minutes to resucitate her after the C Section. I know this is long but it is a total recount of what I know, and wanted to put it all down not only for everyone to know what happen but for myself to remember years later.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
3 days until my due date!
Ok so I have three days until my due date how exciting the end is near! Ofcourse this baby could be stubborn and decide it likes it in my womb and stay longer (let's hope not) I went to my midwife today and everything checked out fine, they are such wonderful midwives and have really enjoyed being under their care. They told me today that if I wanted I could start a 3 day induction plan on Sunday, originally she said Tuesday but I told her I wanted to have it before my mother got here so she is going to let me start Sunday. It isn't the same type of inducing that they do at the hospital with the pitocin IV. This is a gentle gradual process starting with Castor Oil (yuck wish I could skip that day though) and then moving on to homeopathic options that use natural methods to get your body working. Of course I am hoping I won't have to do any of this and will go on my due date. The suspense is starting to get to Brent, he is terrible at surprises he is the type that never grew out of that little kid stage of having to open all your christmas gifts before christmas, will pout until you tell him the surprise, and can't keep a secret to save his life! He is so adorable when he gets like this and nice to know he still has that little boy in him. So the fact that he doesn't know when this baby will come, what the sex will be, or how much it will weigh or look like is absolutely killing him and I am enjoying watching the torture!
I spend my days trying to stay active, walking twice a day, and doing more housework which is getting increasingly difficult with the baby dropping and my growing size. I feel like everytime the baby moves it's head it is grinding it into my pelvis and crushing my lungs at the same time so that I can't get a full breath of air to save my life. finally in the past couple weeks my nausea has ebbed quite a bit (not totally gone) so I have been able to do more and right now I am trying to do a lot of crochet and knitting to get christmas gifts done before the baby comes since being a stay at home mom I don't have the money to buy gifts for everyone. But I prefer to do homemade things anyway and think I will make it a permanant custom since I think christmas has gotten out of control from the real meaning and homemade things have more meaning and hopefully I can instill this into my children what christmas really means. well the next time you will hear from me will be after the baby is born please keep me in your prayers that all goes smoothly!
I spend my days trying to stay active, walking twice a day, and doing more housework which is getting increasingly difficult with the baby dropping and my growing size. I feel like everytime the baby moves it's head it is grinding it into my pelvis and crushing my lungs at the same time so that I can't get a full breath of air to save my life. finally in the past couple weeks my nausea has ebbed quite a bit (not totally gone) so I have been able to do more and right now I am trying to do a lot of crochet and knitting to get christmas gifts done before the baby comes since being a stay at home mom I don't have the money to buy gifts for everyone. But I prefer to do homemade things anyway and think I will make it a permanant custom since I think christmas has gotten out of control from the real meaning and homemade things have more meaning and hopefully I can instill this into my children what christmas really means. well the next time you will hear from me will be after the baby is born please keep me in your prayers that all goes smoothly!
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