My Nightmare

Ok so a lot of people ask what happened so decided to write down the whole account and then I won't have to repeat it.

Sunday November 1st I started my homeopathic induction process, Black Cohosh and Blue Cohosh it was a 3 day process with the 3rd day adding Castor Oil (nastiest stuff out there) Tuesday I started having contractions close together but not really regular pattern and only about 30 sec long, so I knew it was not time to go to the midwife. In the middle of the night They were about 3 min apart and 60 sec long so we went to the midwife. She checked me and said I was only dilated to 1cm and was in early labor so I decided to go back home since I figured it would be a while and I am more comfortable in my own bed. I wasn't able to rest a whole lot and contractions kept up. I tried to walk around but there was a lot of pressure in my pelvis making it very painful to be in anyother position but laying down. Wednesday My mom was coming into town for 3 weeks. She got here that evening and by 800 pm the contractions were getting unbearable and I longed for the giant tub at the midwifes so at about 830 we decided to go to the midwifes and they had the tub already running for me when I got there. She checked me and I was only dilated to 2 cm. After almost 24 hrs! So I got into the tub and there I stayed for a LONG time. I did get quite hysterical for a while and was given some homeopathic calming tablets, which helped a lot. At some point early on after arriving my priest Father Marcus came to the birthing center to say prayers over me. I labored in the tub for hours, my body was convulsivly doing little spasmic pushes on it own, I being checked every 15 min for heart tones and then every so often for dilation and making VERY little progress. The pressure in my pelvis was extremely bad that moving to a different position was extremely painful. However Ana was not turned properly so the midwives wanted me to do these rotations with changing positions to try to get her turned right (she never would turn). I can't remember the time but sometime Thursday morning I was checked and was finly at around 8-9cm also in the process of the check they accidently broke my water and found meconium staining. So out of the tub I was ordered, to my dismay. In the bed I went. I did get on the birthing ball a couple times but the pressure was so horrible that I couldn't bear to be upright (note: this pressure usually indicates getting into transition so we all thought I was going into transition) I got in bed and my contractions actually slowed down and quit for a while and I was able to get some sleep, which after two days I was very tired. When they came in to check me after the last one that broke the water and showed 8-9cm they found I had regressed back to 6cm! and told us that we might want to start thinking about going up to the hospital but that she would let us labor there for 2 more hrs if we wanted to since the baby's heartbeat was fine. However, I was EXTREMELY tired and just couldn't do anymore. So Brent and I headed up with my mom following in the other car and the midwifes a few min. behind. I have to say through all this my husband and my mother were so wonderful, they took turns holding my hand for me to squeeze not to mention they both were having to take turns to step out of the room because of the long hrs and stress of worrying about me and listening to my screaming. so up we went. The pressure was so horrible I could barely walk myself into the hospital, nobody told us where to go once we got there so there we were with me in so much pain and noone to ask, but we finally figured it out. Got into the room and my gown on and into the bed. It was just Brent and I for a few minutes and we were excited to finally get this over with and meet our baby. The nurse comes in to do all the admitting on me. At this point the pressure becomes unbearable and I start begging for pain meds (I'm not having contractions at this point they had stopped) The nurse is trying to be quick because she can't give me meds until I get admitted. She brings in other nurses to speed up the process so there are several things going at once: I.V., blood pressure, and monitoring. They try putting the monitors on my stomach to get hearttones, but can't find any, no biggy my baby has always been a master hider during my pregnancy and even in labor it took midwives a few min to find heartbeat. I was also screaming in pain from the pressure (still no contractions) and moving around on the bed from the pain so they couldn't get the monitors on right so they decide to stick a nodule on her head inside me. alright we got a heartbeat, but it wasn't fluctuating like it should, it was staying the same. At this point things get blurry for me because I was in so much pain I couldn't even see straight. I remember hearing something about her heartrate dropping a little and to turn over on my knees because they thought she just didn't like the position. They also sometime around this point were starting to talk about a C Section and were trying to talk me into it, now I had said before I went up there I just wanted a C Section I was through with laboring and didn't want anymore, however I was in so much pain she had a hard time getting a response out of me.When I turn over (I believe) is when her heartrate started crashing and doctors and nurses appeared out of nowhere. They mentioned C Section and I have no clue what is going on but I do remember my mom blurting out "She already said she wanted a C Section so do it" My husband I think was in still some kind of shock his baby was crashing his wife was crying hysterically from pain and we were in the hospital which was the last place we wanted to be. Her heartrate drops further and I am unplugged from everything very quickly and they wheel me out, before I go I saw my husband say "I love you". I was in a room with so many people I had no idea who was who and they were all yelling at each other. They put the mask on and I was hyperventilating from the pain and having a hard time breathing in the Anesthesia. I do remember this guy (don't know his position) rubbing my leg gently and telling me it would be ok and was very nice and good at calming me down. Finally I am out.

I hear someone calling my name and telling me to open my eyes. They feel heavy and I am having hard time getting them open. I hear two ladies talking at the end of the bed and all I can make out is "it's a baby girl, very cute" and I swell with pride! I still was trying to figure out what happened and where I was and what was going on but I remember feeling that warm feeling wherever I was I had my girl that I wanted. Next Brent appears at the bedside and I don't remember much of what was said but that he confirmed we had a beautiful girl that looked just like me! Oh, how happy I was at that moment. Then my mom, she had tears in her eyes, she said she was beautiful and looked just like me but she was sick and they were going to take her to Greenville Memorial Hospital NICU. I don't remember the whole conversation because I was still trying to wake up but I do remember asking if she would be alright, and mom saying "probably" I was a little sad but not much because I still didn't know what was going on. Next Brent's family comes to my bedside and I don't remember those conversations except everyone saying how beautiful she was. Brent came with our priest to the bedside and they brought Ana out in her incubator. The priest says he is going to baptize now because they had to hurry and get her to Greenville. So there we were. Me and Brent with me holding her hand through the incubator and our priest baptizing her. I couldn't see her face because it was facing the priest but I remember seeing this giant black region on the back of her head and thinking it was her hair and thinking that weird since everyone said she had my blonde hair. Later I found it was a giant bruise from her pushing so hard on my pelvis (that horrible pressure) and couldn't get down there because the way she was turned. It should have registered then that she was very critical since our priest was baptizing her but I still wasn't fully out of anesthesia at that point and nobody told me how critical she was, probably for fear of how I would take it just out of surgery. So I really didn't think anything was wrong and never doubted she was coming home. So off they took her to Greenville without me even seeing her face. Our priest was so sweet and drove my mom there so Ana didn't go alone, my mom was with her the entire time.

They put me in a room and had several visitors. That evening Brent got a call from Greenville Memorial Hospital telling him that I should see about getting transferred there so I could be with her because she was very critical, and he came in the room to tell me. This was the first I heard that and was starting to realize things were not good. It took hours to get Regional to transfer me, in the mean time I told Brent to go to Greenville to be with her that she needed her daddy there and there was nothing he could at Regional. My sister- in-law stayed with me and rode in the ambulance with me to Greenville. Once I got there and checked in I was able to VERY slowly get out of bed into a wheelchair so I could go see her in the NICU finally I would get to see her face! I cried so hard when I saw her. They said they were keeping her on a cooling blanket to keep her temperature down to minimize brain damage and would do that for three days and then slowly warm her back up. So there she lay she couldn't having clothing on, or lotion put on because they didn't want her brain stimulated. I just wanted to swaddle her up and hold her close. Her organs had shut down so she wasn't eliminating fluid and they were pumping a lot of fluid in her, so she had swollen already when we got there. We stayed with her for a long time holding her hand and talking to her. However eventually I had to go because I did just get out of surgery and had a long labor and was VERY tired. The NICU had a shut down on visitors except parents because of the Swine Flu scare, however they were really nice and let our family in because she was so critical so that everyone could see her. Friday and Saturday were really the same. Getting visitors, going to spend time with Ana, that was what we were focused on. She really had no change, she never opened her eyes or responded. But that didn't stop us from talking with her, and singing her lullubies, or reading her books, and we always said morning and evening prayers with her. Friday the doctor sat down with us in the NICU and told us the truth, he didn't expect her to come out of this, she should have been showing some kind of response by now. I completely lost it and got pretty hysterical. There was no way I could let her go, I loved her so much, I had never felt love like that I knew I couldn't let go. Saturday when Brent put his finger in her palm and it moved ever so slightly, and they told us she started making some urine and was able to come down on her respirations. We had hope!! Saturday evening she stopped making urine and they were pumping her with more meds, and was now on 100% oxygen and more respirations, the Doc came by and told us the movement we felt was just a natural response from the brain stem and not her own doing. Our hopes were gone and despair consumed us. Sunday morning we had a visitor from church. She brought some blessed water and anointing oil for us and told us the Scripture verse for the church that day (already planned out a year in advance for the entire Orthodox church in the world).

Luk 8:49-54 While He was still speaking, someone came from the ruler of the synagogue's [house], saying to him, "Your daughter is dead. Do not trouble the Teacher." But when Jesus heard [it], He answered him, saying, "Do not be afraid; only believe, and she will be made well." When He came into the house, He permitted no one to go in [fn] except Peter, James, and John, [fn] and the father and mother of the girl. Now all wept and mourned for her; but He said, "Do not weep; she is not dead, but sleeping." And they ridiculed Him, knowing that she was dead. But He put them all outside, [fn] took her by the hand and called, saying, "Little girl, arise."

Certianly we saw that as a sign and we went to the NICU and Brent anointed her with oil and said "Little girl, arise". We sat there for a while and not long the doc appeared and told us she there was no hope for her and they were putting a lot of medicine in her and that we should think about letting her go peacefully instead of waiting for her to crash and it being a cruder harsh leaving. I thought I had just died, Brent touched me on the back and said let's let her go peacefully hon. I agreed, although I hated myself for doing it. I couldn't believe this was happening and went into shock. I sat there quietly weeping and holding her hand while the family came in to say goodbye to her. I couldn't see anyone or feel anything, all I could do was sit in that wheelchair holding her hand and stare at her. Our priest came to read the Psalms and say some prayers. They unplugged her from all the machines except the ventilator and let me hold her for the first time. She had swollen pretty bad, she went fron 7lbs 9oz to she had to weigh about 19lbs when I got to hold her. I held her for a long time with Brent sitting across from me and our priest standing behind me reading the Psalms. After a while I handed her over to Brent so he could hold his little girl for the first time. We sat there awhile and while her daddy held her they took her off the ventilator and she left us. They took us to a private room and told us we could have all the time we wanted with her. I was swelling at this point (we had been in NICU ALL day) I had been standing quite a bit and no water. So I let my mom give her a bath and dress her in the long dress that both me and my sister wore and some of my cousins. She was wrapped in the blankets my mom and I had made for her. My mom took her to bathe her and dress her and the NICU staff made 3d statues of her hand and foot. They brought her back and we let family come back to hold her. after they were done I let my mom have her for a long time this was her first grandchild and had been looking forward so much to rock her grandchild. After deciding to take my daughter off the ventilator, taking her away from my mom was one of the hardest things to do, I knew how much this meant to her. Finally I had to have her let go so Brent and I could have our time with her, as I was getting pretty weak from my surgery. It felt so good to hold her, I remember falling asleep in the chair with her. I started crying and remember telling Brent that I didn't think I could let her go, I wasn't supposed to have to do this! I kept kissing her cheeks over and over I never wanted to forget how her cheek felt under my lips. Finally it was time to say goodbye. I kissed her cheek and told her how much I loved her and we lafet her in the nurses arms and headed back to the room. The next day I was discharged and this started our new life without her, having to leave the hospital without her was so hard. I do need to say Anastasia means resurrection a name we had picked out for couple months, and she left us on resurrection day, with a scripture reading about resurrection of a little girl. Also the orthodox church believes the angels are the ones that come and carry us to heaven and that Sunday was the commemoration day of the angels. And although HE didn't raise her to us, HE raised her to Himself which is better then anything I could have given her in this life, and it was very shortly after anointing her and telling her to arise that she left us to rise to her LORD.

The rest everyone knows from there, of the funeral, and what we have been going through. It hurts so bad, I don't know how to go on without my daughter but somehow I do. The Lord is a Great comfort during this time and hopefully we will be stronger for it. but we will never forget our Ana nor could she be replaced.

2 weeks after I saw the surgeon that did the C Section. This is what he said: My placenta abruption was not like most placenta abruptions where they just happen randomly or because of a fall. My abruption was because I labored a long time and my body couldn't handle anymore , it was basically aborting the whole thing to be done with it, which could have killed me since she wasn't able to come out vaginally. Which was also why I had so much pain at the end I was having one last large continuous contraction. He didn't feel like it would be a problem in future pregnancies I just would not be allowed to labor they would take the baby early and always do a C Section. He told me I had a perfectly healthy baby and that me, Brent, or the midwives were not at fault and they have had women labor longer and be fine. My midwives were so wonderful during my pregnancy and could not thank them enough for everything. I also found out then that it took them 20 minutes to resucitate her after the C Section. I know this is long but it is a total recount of what I know, and wanted to put it all down not only for everyone to know what happen but for myself to remember years later.

3 days until my due date!

Ok so I have three days until my due date how exciting the end is near! Ofcourse this baby could be stubborn and decide it likes it in my womb and stay longer (let's hope not) I went to my midwife today and everything checked out fine, they are such wonderful midwives and have really enjoyed being under their care. They told me today that if I wanted I could start a 3 day induction plan on Sunday, originally she said Tuesday but I told her I wanted to have it before my mother got here so she is going to let me start Sunday. It isn't the same type of inducing that they do at the hospital with the pitocin IV. This is a gentle gradual process starting with Castor Oil (yuck wish I could skip that day though) and then moving on to homeopathic options that use natural methods to get your body working. Of course I am hoping I won't have to do any of this and will go on my due date. The suspense is starting to get to Brent, he is terrible at surprises he is the type that never grew out of that little kid stage of having to open all your christmas gifts before christmas, will pout until you tell him the surprise, and can't keep a secret to save his life! He is so adorable when he gets like this and nice to know he still has that little boy in him. So the fact that he doesn't know when this baby will come, what the sex will be, or how much it will weigh or look like is absolutely killing him and I am enjoying watching the torture!

I spend my days trying to stay active, walking twice a day, and doing more housework which is getting increasingly difficult with the baby dropping and my growing size. I feel like everytime the baby moves it's head it is grinding it into my pelvis and crushing my lungs at the same time so that I can't get a full breath of air to save my life. finally in the past couple weeks my nausea has ebbed quite a bit (not totally gone) so I have been able to do more and right now I am trying to do a lot of crochet and knitting to get christmas gifts done before the baby comes since being a stay at home mom I don't have the money to buy gifts for everyone. But I prefer to do homemade things anyway and think I will make it a permanant custom since I think christmas has gotten out of control from the real meaning and homemade things have more meaning and hopefully I can instill this into my children what christmas really means. well the next time you will hear from me will be after the baby is born please keep me in your prayers that all goes smoothly!

4 Weeks!!

Well One month left! It feels like it would never come but finally it's winding down. I'm not as sick as I used to be. It has now turned into truly just morning sickness, usually about 9 oclock I am feeling well enough to get out of bed and get ready for the day. We have everything we need for the baby and boxes continue to arrive from my mother (she's gone completely insane with this first grandchild).

I had to have my second visit with an OB this week. Even though I am going to a midwife and plan to deliver at a birthing center, by law I am required to see an OB twice during my pregnancy, why I have no idea I can abort my baby and have every right according to the government however choosing the way I deliver there are all kinds of restrictions! All he does is listen to the heartbeat, I mean he does less than my midwife! Oh well that's the way it goes. I believe I now start going to the midwife every week until I give birth. I am trying to talk this child into coming out Oct 27th I am due the 30th and I have to make it until the 26th because after that date Brent gets 4 weeks off instead of 3. So I am aiming for the 27th. My mother comes into town Nov 4th and she is hoping I hold out until then but I told her I am not holding on any longer than I have to! Technically I only have to make it until 3 weeks before my due date. My midwife will deliver me 3 weeks before or up to 2 weeks after so I have a 5 week time period for this child to get motivated to come out.

I am so eager for our baby to be here I can barely stand it! I want to know what the sex is and to be able to hold my baby, so I can't wait and I have a feeling these 4 weeks is going to go by very slowly!!!

6 weeks left!

That's right I am now 34 weeks and have 6 weeks left! Things really haven't changed much, still really sick and have resigned myself to the fact that I probably will be until this child leaves my body. The baby is really active, one of our favorite things to do at night is lay on my back in bed and watch the baby roll around and make waves on my belly like a tiny alien in my body. Brent thought it was pretty freaky at first now he has gotten a little more used to it.

We have been going through our Bradley Method book. It's a form of childbirth like Lamaze only the Bradley Method is aimed towards natural unmedicated childbirth, it also focuses on breathing normally(unlike lamaze that teaches altered breathing) and relaxing your body during contractions so that your uterus can do it's work. The method is really aimed towards the coach putting everything on his shoulders to making sure she relaxes and stays hydrated and that doctors and midwives respect the wishes of the birthing woman. So that the only thing the laboring woman is to worry about it focusing on contractions and relaxing without interruptions. The Bradley method is also very much against medicated births, talking about everything that you put into your body is also transferred to the baby. So if you medicate yourself and numb yourself (epidurals) it has the same affect on the baby so your baby can no longer work with the contractions and work it's way down like it's supposed to. Anyway this is only a small summary of what this book talked about. It has a lot of exercises and relaxation techniques for you to work on before you go into labor. I'm excited and scared at the same time, the book isn't making light of things it is very clear of this being the hardest work you will do so I am nervous about that but also excited to see my baby! so I will have to let you all know how the Bradley Method worked for me.

Brent's work is giving us a baby shower this week so I am excited about that, his work has always been so good to him and he has such sweet people that work there so was very thoughtful of them to give us a shower. Well that is all for now time to get ready for the day! God Bless!

8 weeks left!

Well 8 more weeks!! yay! I am 32 weeks and going to the midwife every 2 weeks now. I am not swelling like a lot of pregnant women are at this stage and I can still wear my wedding rings to I atleast have that in my favor. I also don't have a lot of back pain at the moment and have been able to sleep through the night both of which are common problems at this point in many pregnancies so it's nice to not have those complaints right now and I really hope that it stays that way. However.... I am also still nauseated, infact it's been getting worse like how it was in the beginning of the pregnancy, last week I spent 3 days in bed because I was SO sick, thankfully this weekend I have felt better. My emotions have also totally gone haywire! The slightest thing makes me cry which is very irritating because I can't stand to cry infront of people especially my husband. I have also started Braxton Hicks contractions. They don't hurt and they really aren't even uncomfortable at this point (I know it's early and they will get painful eventually) but it was nice to feel that sensation for the first time since it is a sign of things winding down and my uterus preparing itself. 2 months until I get to see my little one. My two sister-in-laws had babies this year and the whole family got together over the weekend to celebrate my father-in-laws 60th birthday and they both had their babies and I was a little sad just because it felt like I was missing something they have theirs and all I could think about was where is mine? But I know I need to be patient and that the day will eventually come when I get to hold my little one.

10 weeks left!

Well I am now 30 weeks! 10 weeks left, I see the light at the end of the tunnel. My midwife appt.'s will now be every two weeks. I have now started having a hard time sleeping at night. I seem to be waking up every night at 4am and not able to get back to sleep because I am hungry. Usually I would lay there for an hour tossing and turning and trying to get back to sleep and then would eventually give up and get something to eat and sit on the couch and can eventually get back to sleep. I thought maybe that if I didn't take a nap during the day and got myself totally exhausted that I would be so tired would sleep through the night. NOPE! like clock work woke up at 4 am! This time I decided to not even bother laying in bed for an hour since I knew how it would work and I felt bad because my husband has to go to work in the morning and can't sleep when I am awake in bed (even if I don't make noise he says he can hear me thinking!! lol he must have more senses than me) so I decided just get up go get your cereal and orange juice put yoru movie on and wait an hour and a half to make sure the food digests (last time I went to sleep right after sleeping I got extremely sick) so by 530 I go back to sleep and wake up and 8 again. The difference this time is that I am still so tired because I didn't get my nap the day before but can't sleep longer because I am hungry. I guess I will have to get used to this new routine although it makes me really sad because I used to say goodbye to my hubby every morning and now he is gone by the time I get home. Makes me miss him more. Oh well the joys of pregnancy but there is a small light at the end of the tunnel.

Birthday Surprise!

August 7th was my 25th birthday! a quarter of a century! I was actually a little bummed about the birthday being pregnant and sick my entire pregnancy I knew that would put a little damper on things because there would be only so much I could handle doing. Also my sister-in-law had her baby August 2nd so the birth of our new niece kind of overshadowed the birthday (not that I mind) so nothing was really planned. My husband said he was going to take me out to dinner and that was all we were going to do. Well when he came home from work he had two dozen roses for me (I don't get flowers often usually just after a fight) so that was a big surprise and then when we got to the restraunt there was a friend waiting there for us and I thought it would just be me and my husband and then when we got home some of my husbands family was there. So I had a nice birthday when I thought it would be a downer. So thanks to my hubby for making it special.

Our new niece!

In this picture is my husband and our new niece just born on Sunday! Her parents have decided to follow the Orthodox tradition and not announce the name until the 8th day. This is their first baby and she is just beautiful! Our sister-in-law had a really rough labor and deliver and it's been 4 days and she is still hurting pretty bad. But out came a 5lb adorable little girl! This makes number 6 niece! It is also exciting for us because my husband and I and his younger brother and his wife (parents of the newborn) are the only orthodox christians in the family so being able to experience her baptism and her future things in the church will be and exciting thing to share with them.

Another note today August 6th is the Feast of the Transfiguration day. My husband got up at the crack of dawn to go to church for the Divine liturgy on a weekday morning, and took a bowl of fruit with him to be blessed. Of course being pregnant and still somewhat sick, get up on a different schedule is impossible and would probably mess me up the rest of the day, so I stayed home and he went to church, although I really wanted to go I have never been to thos few early morning services they have on some feast days because so far I have been pregnant and sick for all of them. My husband has gone to quite a few and says they are something to see being a weekday early in the morning they are a little quieter. Some day though I promise I am going to attend the special feast day services.

Dormition of the Theotokos

Well today is a pretty good day, especially considering that I was pretty sick for the whole second half of last week so thankfully I have a good day today so I don't fall into despair. I'm trying to not feel sorry for myself because I know the Lord wouldn't appreciate that but sometimes its hard when I talk to women who tell me that they felt great after those first three months of their pregnancy and here I am 6 months and still get sick often. Being nauseated and having extra hormones also makes me really irritable these days which normally only my husband has to deal with and I can keep it under control around other people. However this Sunday was an exception, for some reason I am like a magnet to all the fidgety kids at our church no matter where I sit (trust me I have tried all over) I always seem to be stuck next to kids that kick me the entire time. Usually I stay controlled and put up with it for those two hours, however this past Sunday I had a meltdown. It was REALLY hot in church this time, and I was nauseated and got pushed out of my pew (we don't have regular pews and I make sure to get there early so I have one and don't have to stand for two hours because its not good for a pregnant woman to stand that long) by kids who spent the entire time kicking me, I had a meltdown and started crying and had to leave after communion. I felt awful afterwards. Instead of praying for patience and focusing on the service all I could think of was why couldn't parents keep their kids under control or atleast keep them next to them and let themselves be kicked by their own kids! anyway I've moved past it and asked for forgiveness and going to try my best to have more grace with the children next time. I don't want everyone at church to think I am a cranky woman.

Well enough of my whining in other news this weekend Aug 1st starts The Dormition of The Theotokos: The Church has a two week fast for the falling asleep of Mary mother of Jesus(Theotokos). We fast from all meat, dairy, fish, wine, and oil. Me being pregnant I am not allowed to fast, which in someways is nice to still be able to eat meat and cheese (ill admit it) but in otherwise I feel left out. Fasts in the Orthodox Church are done together as a whole church effort and I feel like I am missing out on something not being able to do it. There are several fasts but the first fast we got to be apart of was Great Lent and I found out I was pregnant right before it started so I have not really got to participate in the big church events since joining the church and I feel like even though I am now a member I am totally missing out on something. Maybe I could find something I can fast from that's not food related since I'm not able to do that part of it. I don't know much about the Dormition of the Theotokos fast yet and will wright more as I know, from the look of the icon it looks solomn the Mother of our Lord dying, however she is in heaven with her son what could be better?

St. Mary Magdalene

Yesterday, July 22nd, The Church commemorated St. Mary Magdalene and her life. This also happens to be my sister-in-laws patron saint so we went to their house to celebrate her names day. Which is pretty low key considering at 26 weeks pregnant I am still pretty sick, and Her due in 2 weeks is feeling pretty terrible, but it was still nice, this was the first name's day we got to celebrate since joining the church. Here is what I found about her life on the OCA website.

The Holy Myrrh-Bearer Equal of the Apostles Mary Magdalene. On the banks of Lake Genesareth (Galilee), between the cities of Capharnum and Tiberias, was the small city of Magdala, the remains of which have survived to our day. Now only the small village of Mejhdel stands on the site. A woman whose name has entered forever into the Gospel account was born and grew up in Magdala. The Gospel tells us nothing of Mary's younger years, but Tradition informs us that Mary of Magdala was young and pretty, and led a sinful life. It says in the Gospels that the Lord expelled seven devils from Mary (Luke. 8:2). From the moment of her healing Mary led a new life, and became a true disciple of the Savior. The Gospel relates that Mary followed after the Lord, when He went with the Apostles through the cities and villages of Judea and Galilee preaching about the Kingdom of God. Together with the pious women Joanna, wife of Choza (steward of Herod), Susanna and others, she served Him from her own possessions (Luke 8:1-3) and undoubtedly shared with the Apostles the evangelic tasks in common with the other women. The Evangelist Luke, evidently, has her in view together with the other women, stating that at the moment of the Procession of Christ onto Golgotha, when after the Scourging He took on Himself the heavy Cross, collapsing under its weight, the women followed after Him weeping and wailing, but He consoled them. The Gospel relates that Mary Magdalene was present on Golgotha at the moment of the Lord's Crucifixion. While all the disciples of the Savior ran away, she remained fearlessly at the Cross together with the Mother of God and the Apostle John. The Evangelists also list among those standing at the Cross the mother of the Apostle James, and Salome, and other women followers of the Lord from Galilee, but all mention Mary Magdalene first. St John, in addition to the Mother of God, names only her and Mary Cleopas. This indicates how much she stood out from all the women who gathered around the Lord. She was faithful to Him not only in the days of His Glory, but also at the moment of His extreme humiliation and insult. As the Evangelist Matthew relates, she was present at the Burial of the Lord. Before her eyes Joseph and Nicodemus went out to the tomb with His lifeless Body. She watched as they covered over the entrance to the cave with a large stone, entombing the Source of Life. Faithful to the Law in which she was raised, Mary together with the other women spent following day at rest, because it was the great day of the Sabbath, coinciding with the Feast of Passover. But all the rest of the peaceful day the women gathered spices to go to the Grave of the Lord at dawn on Sunday and anoint His Body according to the custom of the Jews. It is necessary to mention that, having agreed to go on the first day of the week to the Tomb early in the morning, the holy women had no possibility of meeting with one another on Saturday. They went separately on Friday evening to their own homes. They went out only at dawn the following day to go to the Sepulchre, not all together, but each from her own house. The Evangelist Matthew writes that the women came to the grave at dawn, or as the Evangelist Mark expresses, extremely early before the rising of the sun. The Evangelist John, elaborating upon these, says that Mary came to the grave so early that it was still dark. Obviously, she waited impatiently for the end of night, but it was not yet daybreak. She ran to the place where the Lord's Body lay. Mary went to the tomb alone. Seeing the stone pushed away from the cave, she ran away in fear to tell the close Apostles of Christ, Peter and John. Hearing the strange message that the Lord was gone from the tomb, both Apostles ran to the tomb and, seeing the shroud and winding cloths, they were amazed. The Apostles went and said nothing to anyone, but Mary stood about the entrance to the tomb and wept. Here in this dark tomb so recently lay her lifeless Lord. Wanting proof that the tomb really was empty, she went down to it and saw a strange sight. She saw two angels in white garments, one sitting at the head, the other at the foot, where the Body of Jesus had been placed. They asked her, "Woman, why weepest thou?" She answered them with the words which she had said to the Apostles, "They have taken my Lord, and I do not know where they have laid Him." At that moment, she turned around and saw the Risen Jesus standing near the grave, but she did not recognize Him. He asked Mary, "Woman, why weepest thou? Whom dost thou seek?" She answered thinking that she was seeing the gardener, "Sir, if thou hast taken him, tell where thou hast put Him, and I will take Him away." Then she recognized the Lord's voice. This was the voice she heard in those days and years, when she followed the Lord through all the cities and places where He preached. He spoke her name, and she gave a joyful shout, "Rabbi" (Teacher). Respect and love, fondness and deep veneration, a feeling of thankfulness and recognition at His Splendor as great Teacher, all came together in this single outcry. She was able to say nothing more and she threw herself down at the feet of her Teacher to wash them with tears of joy. But the Lord said to her: "Touch me not; for I am not yet ascended to My Father; but go to My brethren and tell them: "I ascend to My Father, and your Father; to My God and to your God." She came to herself and again ran to the Apostles, to do the will of Him sending her to preach. Again she ran into the house, where the Apostles still remained in dismay, and proclaimed to them the joyous message, "I have seen the Lord!" This was the first preaching in the world about the Resurrection. The Apostles proclaimed the Glad Tidings to the world, but she proclaimed it to the Apostles themselves. Holy Scripture does not tell us about the life of Mary Magdalene after the Resurrection of Christ, but it is impossible to doubt, that if in the terrifying minutes of Christ's Crucifixion she was the foot of His Cross with His All-Pure Mother and St John, she must have stayed with them during the happier time after the Resurrection and Ascension of Christ. Thus in the Acts of the Apostles St Luke writes that all the Apostles with one mind stayed in prayer and supplication, with certain women and Mary the Mother of Jesus and His brethren. Holy Tradition testifies that when the Apostles departed from Jerusalem to preach to all the ends of the earth, then Mary Magdalene also went with them. A daring woman, whose heart was full of reminiscence of the Resurrection, she went beyond her native borders and went to preach in pagan Rome. Everywhere she proclaimed to people about Christ and His teaching. When many did not believe that Christ is risen, she repeated to them what she had said to the Apostles on the radiant morning of the Resurrection: "I have seen the Lord!" With this message she went all over Italy. Tradition relates that in Italy Mary Magdalene visited Emperor Tiberias (14-37 A.D.) and proclaimed to him Christ's Resurrection. According to Tradition, she took him a red egg as a symbol of the Resurrection, a symbol of new life with the words: "Christ is Risen!" Then she told the emperor that in his Province of Judea the unjustly condemned Jesus the Galilean, a holy man, a miracleworker, powerful before God and all mankind, had been executed at the instigation of the Jewish High Priests, and the sentence confirmed by the procurator appointed by Tiberias, Pontius Pilate. Mary repeated the words of the Apostles, that we are redeemed from the vanity of life is not with perishable silver or gold, but rather by the precious Blood of Christ. Thanks to Mary Magdalene the custom to give each other paschal eggs on the day of the Radiant Resurrection of Christ spread among Christians over all the world. On one ancient Greek manuscript, written on parchment, kept in the monastery library of St Athanasius near Thessalonica, is a prayer read on the day of Holy Pascha for the blessing of eggs and cheese. In it is indicated that the igumen in passing out the blessed eggs says to the brethren: "Thus have we received from the holy Fathers, who preserved this custom from the very time of the holy Apostles, therefore the holy Equal of the Apostles Mary Magdalene first showed believers the example of this joyful offering." Mary Magdalene continued her preaching in Italy and in the city of Rome itself. Evidently, the Apostle Paul has her in mind in his Epistle to the Romans (16: 6), where together with other ascetics of evangelic preaching he mentions Mary (Mariam), who as he expresses "has bestowed much labor on us." Evidently, she extensively served the Church in its means of subsistence and its difficulties, being exposed to dangers, and sharing with the Apostles the labors of preaching. According to Church Tradition, she remained in Rome until the arrival of the Apostle Paul, and for two more years following his departure from Rome after the first court judgment upon him. From Rome, St Mary Magdalene, already bent with age, moved to Ephesus where the holy Apostle John unceasingly labored. There the saint finished her earthly life and was buried. Her holy relics were transferred in the ninth century to Constantinople, and placed in the monastery Church of St Lazarus. In the era of the Crusader campaigns they were transferred to Italy and placed at Rome under the altar of the Lateran Cathedral. Part of the relics of Mary Magdalene are said to be in Provage, France near Marseilles, where over them at the foot of a steep mountain a splendid church is built in her honor. The Orthodox Church honors the holy memory of St Mary Magdalene, the woman called by the Lord Himself from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God. Formerly immersed in sin and having received healing, she sincerely and irrevocably began a new life and never wavered from that path. Mary loved the Lord Who called her to a new life. She was faithful to Him not only when He was surrounded by enthusiastic crowds and winning recognition as a miracle-worker, but also when all the disciples deserted Him in fear and He, humiliated and crucified, hung in torment upon the Cross. This is why the Lord, knowing her faithfulness, appeared to her first, and esteemed her worthy to be first to proclaim His Resurrection.

The joys of pregnancy...well not so much!!

Yesterday I made a surprise visit to the midwife. I had been a little concerned because I hadn't felt the baby move except a couple times in the past couple days so I called my midwife and she told me to come in so they could check the heartbeat and listen for movements. If she felt there was a problem she was going to send me for an ultrasound, which I was a little worried about since it would cost me 900 dollars! Thankfully though when I got there and we listened for a while we discovered that I have a VERY active baby but that I am just not feeling all the movements. She also informed me that she wants to take a glucose screening in two weeks. Normally this is done at an OB's office where they make you fast and check your blood sugar and then make you drink some syrup thing and check it again in two hours. Well the midwife gives you a diabetic pack with the needles and all, and has you prick yourself in the morning before eating and then I have to eat 100g of sugar (and I have to eat it fast) and then check sugar in two hours. This scares me! I do not eat much in the mornings until my stomach settles and then all I have is a protein drink. So the thought of having to scarf tons of sugar and I mean tons (I would have to eat 6 krispy kreme donughts) and then not have anything for two hours!! This morning I couldn't even get through half a bowl of cereal before I ran for the toilet!! I'm thinking I'll be sick in bed that whole day!! Whatever happened to those pregnant women on t.v. that always looked so serene and happy? I thought it was supposed to be like that! Ive only got three months left I thought I was supposed to be feeling great at this time!!

And the Changes Continue......

Well at this same time of finding out I am pregnant, My husband and I are also in the process of joining the Orthodox Christian Church. Don't know what that is? Well neither did I until my husband was doing research and wanted to find a church that teaches the things the apostles taught. His search lead him to the Eastern Orthodox Church. It is an apostolic church that can trace its bishop lineage back to the apostles. In fact the Roman Catholic Church broke off from this church. The Catholic church used to be part of the Orthodox church but decided in 1054 a.d. (I believe that's right time period) The Roman bishop decided that he had ultimate authority over the church which the Eastern areas did not agree with for they never had a Pope, just bishops that were all equal. So the Roman church split off and started its own, known as the Roman Catholic Church. This is called The Great Schism. Evven with this huge conflict the church persevered and continue to grow and teach the same things the apostles taught.

There are a lot of differences in the church compared to Protestant churches, that in all honesty when I first visited and saw these differences, I about ran the other way. However with the help of my husband and studying realized it taught the same thing since the apostles. Iwon't go into all the changes because that could make this blog extremely long if you want to know more just let me know and I'll be glad to tell you.

It is a big deal joining this church and has a big ceremony for Catechumins (what you are when you want to join the church but aren't a member yet) to become Illumined (what you are once you have been accepted in the church). The services are rich and feel more filling like you have been through something mystical and ancient it's a wonderful thing to be apart of. Its been a big thing in our lives, almost as big as finding out we were pregnant so this has been a very big year for us. I look forward to being able to celebrate all the Feasts (there are a lot) with the church, it's very exciting to celebrate the same things that they were celebrating in the Early Church Fathers time. And now our children will get to grow up in this rich culture and participate in all the sacraments from the beginning.

Thus It Begins

Ok decided to start a new blog with the start of my new life. February 21st my husband and I found out I was pregnant, we were totally excited because we had been trying for a few months, had I known what I was in store for I might have been more terrified and less excited. Within a few weeks the nausea started setting I was about 6 weeks a long and now at 6 months I still suffer with nausea although it is not as bad as in the beginning. If it weren't for an amazingly wonderful husband who has spent 5 months cooking, cleaning and taking care of me I would not have survived this far.
Things got to a point where I could no longer function at work, and we had planned on me being a stay at home mom when the baby came so we decided it would be in my best interest to quite a few months earlier than expected to be able to get the rest I needed to survive the rest of the pregnancy. So here I am my new life as a stay at home mom although right now it's more like a stay at home wife. People keep asking if I miss working and I can say emphatically NO! Although I do wish our baby was here already I long to see it very badly.